i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
can u get pink eye on your cock?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
