Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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