im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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