i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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