Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
