Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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