I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
