the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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