pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
