woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
