my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
