i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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