Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
