Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
