your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
