I will die if light touches me.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
