nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
