i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
