Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
