I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
