I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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