I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
