You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
