i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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