the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
