Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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