Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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