I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
