I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
