She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
