I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
