I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
