I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
