Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
