What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
