tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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