if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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