I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When are your genitals available?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
