I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
