he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
