You made me cry and you don't even care
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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