so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
