My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
