You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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