walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
