: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
