I am in a vortex of obligation.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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