He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
