Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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