I just pynch a tree in the face
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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