so let's talk penis.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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